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How To Make The Most Awesome Router Ever

Materials

We require the following:

The Worst Computer In The World

You know those tiny, little piece-of-crap computers that HP, Compaq and Dell make? The ones where you open it up and gaze at the shitty innards in terror? We will be using one of these.

The specimen pictured above is what I am using. I have no idea where in hell it came from. I believe it may have been found in a dumpster outside of a meat packing plant (that would explain the smell).
I can't believe it's a network card and not a car.

We will be needing network cards for our router. The bigger and older the network card the better it is. It also helps if you have no idea where the fuck it came from.

The cards I am using required a flatbed truck to get here. Four men and a small boy used a jeep winch and a motorized fridge dolly to get them up the stairs. Carbon dating indicates that these cards were likely made during Sui Dynasty.
A Clean Work Area

Of course we start with a clean work area. As we will be doing precision work we must be as organized as possible.
Tin-snips and Duct Tape

One can not do the job right without the right tools. This is a precision operation which will require very advanced tools.

Assembly

So we're going to put that in there. Ooooookaaaaaay.

Remove the lid

Yank the PCI slots off the main board and flip all of the crap in the front up.

Install the network cards in the PCI slots. Try to keep the angry muttering about how this is the stupidest thing you've ever done to a minimum.

Place the PCI slots and network cards back in the unit. Uh-oh! The lower card seems to be resting on the CPU heat sink. How can we fix that?

A liberal helping of The Handyman's Secret Weapon and everything's all better! And so pretty!

That's not so bad. Cough.

Next we rotate all of the crap in the front back into place. Hmmm...there doesn't seem to be enough room.

The Handyman's Second Secret Weapon (force) doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I just need to use more force.

This stuff is really tough. I went with the snips rather than using a hacksaw because I was worried about filings. In retrospect I think the saw would have been the way to go.

Grunt-grunt-grunt!

This picture represents most of the weight from the crap in the front (hard drive, cdrom, floppy, brackets) resting on a chip on one of the network cards. As you can see it is resting on an area that is well under a square millimeter.

Most of the cutting seems to consist of removing bits of metal to make room for the snips.

Uh-oh! Something is wrong.

Yup, there is a problem somewhere for sure. Let's see if we can identify the problem.

Ah! Here's the problem.

After a quick trip to the hardware store to get a more reliable pair of snips (made in Mexico this time) I'm back to destroying the case.

Yay! Maybe we will have room now.

The crap in the front is still resting on the cards. However if I force the crap in the front downward everything will fit. It's nice that the cards bend as much as they do.